Chocolate

Chocolate is not just a food; it is a religion. Specifically, there is the One True Chocolate--dark chocolate (the true faith). But there are dangers awaiting the unwary. Milk chocolate has true chocolate in it, but only in a diluted form that leads innocents away from the true faith (heresy). White chocolate just takes the name of chocolate, but is obviously not really chocolate (paganism). The real danger, though, is carob. It appears to be real chocolate, but upon tasting it, the truth is revealed and the taster's soul is corrupted beyond redemption (satanism).

True Chocolate

Must be both 80%+ cacao AND have great texture AND not be bitter. How is this possible? Anything that dark has to be bitter, right? While hard to find, there are chocolates made from single origin beans, prepared carefully by true chocolate masters, that are very dark, but not bitter. JCOCO's 80% bar is just such as bar (only sold at Whole Foods in the Seattle area as far as I can tell), with a great texture as well. But one step above is Spinnaker's 90% Belize bar (from a small artisan shop not far from the University of Washington). This is some of the best chocolate in the world. Spinnaker's 85% Columbia bar is another great one, along with their 70% bars (the Uganda and Tanzania beans in particular have an incredible flavor). They need to make 90% versions of these... Honorable mention goes to Dolphin's 88% (just a bit too bitter, but has a great texture).

Great Chocolate

There are lots of other great chocolates, though, even if they don't quite reach the level of the chocolates mentioned above. These include flavored bars (that are at least still 70%) and unique styles of chocolate from around the world.

Real Chocolate

Anything in the 70%+ range is real chocolate, even if it doesn't have truly great flavor and/or texture. These are respectable chocolates, but generally either have some bitterness to them or just don't stand out in any real way.

Technically Chocolate

Anything that is in the 50% to 65% cacao range. Will do in an emergency, but this is mass-market chocolate for the unenlightened.

Chocolate-Flavored Candy

Anything that is less than 50% cacao. Should be illegal to call it chocolate.